In The End It Doesn't Even Matter
by Lady Carlton
Summary: One-shot. Dr Temperance Brennan is on her way to the Jeffersonian Institute when memories begin to flood her mind.


**I own nothing.** _Only my imagination._

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><p>It was early morning when Dr Temperance Brennan left her house to drive all the way to the Jeffersonian Institute. She had a difficult night; their last case didn't seem to leave her mind and, even though it was already closed, she couldn't help but think about that. <em>It was too close to home.<em>

Jennifer White. Mid thirties. Federal Agent. She was shot while trying to save her partner's life while investigating a bomb attack.

The silence in her car was almost unbearable; she turned the radio on and "Girls Wanna Have Fun" was just finishing; after that, started a song she didn't know but didn't change the station.

_It starts with one.._

_One thing,_

_I don't know why_

_It doesn't even matter how hard you'd try_

_Keep that in mind_

_I designed this rhyme_

_To explain in due time_

_All I know..._

Memories came like a thunderstorm. One after the other. Non stopping. All incredibly bright.

Starts with one. **One thing.**

It wasn't even their first case. Their very first kiss. No. The square one was the night she backed down.

Brennan never forgot Booth's words.

_I'm your guy ... I knew, right from the beginning._

But she was too scared. Scared of losing the first meaningful relationship she ever had: Booth's friendship. And it was too much at stake, she couldn't risk that. She said she was not a gambler, but, the truth was, **she did not want to gamble**. Not with that. It was too important. So she backed down. She was scared. Afraid he wouldn't stay around if they got closer. In her life experiece, every single person she cherished, eventually, left. First her parents, then Russ. And when she finally learned her father was alive, he never stayed long enough. He was a criminal but either way.

That was the start.

_Time is a valuable thing_

_Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings_

_Watch it count down 'till the end of the day_

_The clock ticks life away_

_It's so unreal.._

_You didn't look out below_

_Watch the time go right out the window_

_Trying to hold on, to didn't even know_

_I wasted it all just to_

_Watch you go..._

_I kept everything inside_

_And even though I tried,_

_It all fell apart_

_What it meant to me will eventually_

_Be a memory of a time when_

_I've tried so hard_

_And got so far_

_But in the end,_

_It doesn't even matter._

_I had to fall_

_To lose it all_

_But in the end_

_It doesn't even matter_

Brennan gasped. Another flash. Another memory. And this one was particularly painful. The moment whe she was told Booth was dead.

Her eyes were glowing with tears she never shed. One blink and they were gone. The tears, not the memories.

She tried so hard to lock those memories somewhere deep, but every now and then they came to haunt her.

She would never admit it out loud, but she cried herself to sleep the night she heard her partner was gone. That night and the next two nights were hell to Dr Temperance Brennan. Also, at work she could hold a mask and avoid everything related to that, but when she was alone in her house, it would all just fall apart. Reality barged inside.

**So unreal.**

_One thing, I don't know why_

_It doesn't even matter how hard you'd try_

_Keep that in mind I designed this rhyme_

_To remind myself how_

_I've tried so hard..._

_In spite of the way you were mocking me_

_Acting like I was part of your property_

_Remembering all the times you fought with me_

_I'm surprised that it_

_Got so far..._

_Things aren't the way they were before_

_You wouldn't even recognize me anymore_

_Not that you wouldn't knew me, back then_

_But it all comes back to me_

_In the end.._

Brennan dared to smile shyly.

She tried **very hard**. She struggled to adjust her behaviour accordingly like she told Seeley Booth she would do when they first met. She tried so damn hard. And, in her mind, she thought she had succeeded. She managed to rearange her life to fit someone else: Her partner. Together they saved lives. Together they changed.

Sure she wasn't the same. Looking back, she wouldn't recognize herself if she was looking through someone else's eyes - which is impossible, she couldn't help herself. And again, she smiled.

_I am a very different person inside out_, she muttered.

_You kept everything inside_

_And even though I tried,_

_It all fell apart_

_What it meant to me will eventually_

_Be a memory_

Brennan held her breath.

She kept everything inside. She always did that. Her entire life she kept everything to herself.

And Booth tried but she refused to, and then, they grew apart. They didn't planned that but it happened. She went to Maluku and Booth to Afghanistan. They were so distant from each other that it all became memories.

And again, right there, they were back again. _Nothing but memories..._

_Of a time when_

_I've tried so hard_

_And got so far_

_But in the end,_

_It doesn't even matter._

_I had to fall_

_To lose it all_

_But in the end_

_It doesn't even matter_

The tears she held inside for so long were now pouring.

She did try.

She went farther than she ever imagined.

But what for? To hide and be a coward when Booth asked her to give them a chance?

How could she not trust the man who walked with her, hand in hand, through all that path?

He helped her to became the person she is now and still, how could she not trust him?

He was always there.

But it was necessary to have a huge wake up call to make her realize the gigantic mess she had made.

And the wake up call, it was not Hannah, even though she was part of it.

No. The wake up call was the doctor.

Only then she realized her mistake. And when she tried to make amends, it was too late. Booth had moved on.

She fell. She lost everything. Her world turned upside down and for what? **Nothing.**

In the end, nothing mattered.

_I've put my trust in you_

_Pushed as far as I can go_

_For all this_

_There's only one thing you should've know_

She could barely see through her tears, but she wasn't paying any attention to the traffic nor the road anymore. Unnoticed, she also hit the gas, and was now speeding through the streets.

_I've tried so hard_

_And got so far_

_But in the end,_

_It doesn't even matter._

Brennan crossed a red sign.

A crash.

A white SUV hit her side of the car.

_I had to fall_

_To lose it all_

_But in the end_

_It doesn't even matter_

She could see nothing but a blur. She knew for sure she just had an accident, but she was oblivious to any pain; she was feeling only regrets.

She should've had trusted him a little bit better than that. Tried harder. Being a little more brave. Anything.

Quickly enough, there were sirens and so many voices surrounding Brennan.

Nothing was making any sense.

"Hold on ma'am, we'll help you"

_How on Earth would they help me?_ She thought. _It's over.. It's all over._

.

She felt a little discomfort, followed by something warm. **Morphine.**

Her body was getting weaker really fast, and when she looked to her right, she understood why. Blood. She was losing a lot of blood.

Suddenly, all that pain she felt and the agony and regret were replaced by an unknown calm.

She was surprisingly calm now. But everyone else didn't seem to share that feeling.

"Give me the adrenaline! Now!" yelled a paramedic.

Once again, she felt the needle and the adrenaline rushing in her body.

Maybe it was that, maybe it was something else she couldn't say at the moment but she overheard a very familiar voice.

"GET OUT OF MY WAY!"

Booth.

"I'm a Federal Agent and she's my partner now get your hands off of me or I swear to God I'll hurt you."

She tried to look where she thought the voice was coming from and there he was.

In his black suit, red tie and his cocky belt buckle. Seeley Joseph Booth was there.

_But wait_, she thought to herself while someone was taking her away from her partner. _Where are you taking me? No! Put me back on the ground! No!_

"Booth," she tried to scream but lets out only a whisper.

"It's okay, ma'am. We'll take you to the hospital. You'll be okay."

She mentally cursed the paramedic. She didn't want to go to the hospital. She wanted Booth.

"Booth!" she tried to call him again, when she was inside the ambulance. One door already closed.

She closed her eyes and a single tear fell, only to be stopped before reaching her cheeks.

"Hey Bones."

_Am I dreaming? Am I hallucinating already? That must be it._

"I got you baby."

That was not a hallucination.

She opened her eyes and he was right there. Right beside her. Her heart jumped inside her chest and everyone could tell. The machine went crazy.

"Booth," she sighed.

"Shhhh.. It's okay. I'm right here with you, babe. It's gonna be okay..."

She held his hands. Oh, he was so precious.

Even though she was in an ambulance, severely injuried, going to the hospital, probably would need surgery, she felt happy. And even when the monitors were making loud and dangerous noises, everyone inside that car were freaking out, she was happy.

Opening her eyes once again, she saw what she could only describe as the picture of perfection. Seeley was right there, holding her hands and looking after her.

His eyes were really dark and he seemed scared but he was still the most gorgeous man she ever saw.

"Hold on, Bones," he begged. He was crying. "For God's sake, hold on."

She wanted to comfort him. She wanted to tell him to stop crying, that she was okay now he was there. But there was a tube inside her throat now and she couldn't speak. So she squeezed his hands, gave him her best smile.. and everything went dark.

But Booth was still there. Booth would always be there.

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><p><strong>Just for the record: I did not kill Dr Brennan! The darkness does not means death. I would never do such thing to her. Think about the darkness as a mere loss of consciousness.<strong>


End file.
